Do We Have Cliques?

I've only lived in Carbondale a little over two years. And to be honest the first year really doesn't count. As I was absent in mourning, for lack of better description. I have found Carbondale to be a friendly and welcoming city. However, I have seen in posts and received quite a few email references to Carbondale having cliques or being cliquish. Usually accompanied by tales of difficulty meeting people or  making friends in Carbondale. Bottom line: lonely people that are questioning or concerned not necessarily angry. 

The first thing I would like to say is that I moved here at the beginning of the pandemic. And many of these references were made during that time and since. It was hard to meet anyone. With lock downs and illness so rampant people were keeping safe. So that added to the challenge of making new friends. Especially when combined with being in a new location. Personally I think 'clique' is a misfortunate catch-all for feeling like an outsider. Trying to understand why one feels like an outsider and what causes it, is the cure. It is always easier to accept the non-personal than accept the personal. That being said, being new can be uncomfortable, even scary. Trying to 'fit in' is not comfortable either. When you are new to an area it is hard to determine what 'fit-in' means. 

On the other hand, groups of friends are not looking for new members. The focus is rarely on expanding the circle. It is just about being friends. It is easier with a group or organization. You register or join. Then become a part of the group, back to that later. But when looking to make friends it is obviously a different situation. Especially when people are concerned about a contagious illness. Does Carbondale have cliques? I am sure we do. At sixty-eight years old, and having lived all over, I've yet to see a place that didn't. But first lets define a clique. From www.enclopedia.com: 'The term clique has two levels of significance. In its neutral usage by social researchers, it denotes a group of people who interact with each other more intensely that with other peers in the same setting. In its more popular form it has negative connotations.' Usually that new people or certain people are not allowed in the clique. As you can see clique isn't necessarily a negative. However, the perception when you are standing on the outside looking to get in, can be strained. Therefore not clearly understood. And to those on the inside, frequently not noticed. Not the same as refused. 

Another factor here in Carbondale is being a 'college town'. I grew up, well for a while, in another college town. I see lots of similarities. Groups that are related and independent of each other. Academically related, educators, collegiate employees, students, residents. Many of which are only here for a limited period of time. This effects social parings to some degree. A least it did where I grew up. As one that moved around a lot, it always seemed to me, to be my responsibility to reach out, get involved and know my neighbors. That's just me. Finding how to do that successfully also has been different in each place I've lived. So no easy answers. But there are a few key ground rules I have found that helped. 

Don't make being new the elephant in your room. Feel free to talk about it, and welcome feedback. Ask questions. Join in groups that interest you. Any group, just take the step. Be friendly! Remember you are the new one. So enjoy that and the excitement that comes with it. The opportunity to meet new people, make new friends. Take an interest in your new area. What it has to offer. And learn how you can best be a part of your new world. 

I said we would come back to being in a group or formal organization. It can be easier to understand what is expected of you. However, these also have pre-determined areas of issue. Don't confuse group direction or responsibility with a personal rejection. Maybe what you like to do is already covered, so find something new. Folks that are busy seeing to the day-to-day life of a group or organization may seem detached or distant. Usually they are just busy with the job at hand. So don't let 'new person jitters' allow you to feel rejected. Join in and have fun. Don't allow yourself to get drawn into already established feuds, rumors or platforms. Be you and follow that. If you do run into a group, organization, or anything that you feel rejects you either ask why or move on. Don't waste energy or time on trying to jump through hoops. Go where it is warm and you feel welcome. 

To answer the question of this piece, Do We Have Cliques? Yes, I'm sure we do, everywhere has. However I have not found that to make my life a negative. Where one door was closed to me, another opened. And I usually have been happier with that open door anyway. Don't focus on the closed doors, look for the open doors. There are plenty of them here in Carbondale. But you have to have your eyes and heart open as well. Be happy!

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